Celebrate PORTMANIA!

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it’s the never right, always late, slightly boring, no good very bad PORTMANIA! DAY 3! and Guess what that means! 6981!

The DAY of BIRTH of the Star of PORTMANIA 21 is HERE! 38 years ago Natalie Portman was born! we’re pretty sure this happened. and we’re pretty sure today is the DAY!


Let’s get to it!

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PORTMANIA Begins Again

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The time has come for the most fantastical PORTMANIA Part 21 to START!

That’s right! The ever increasing disappointment of PORTMANIA continues for one more year!

Natalie’s birthday being this Sunday we’re bringing you three fun filled days of gratuitous praise for notre déesse! AND ALSO fact-filled looks to the past in PORTMANIA HISTORY! Join us, won’t you?

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So Here is a Birthday video!!

We’re pretty sure we got all the facts right on that. ALTERNATIVE FACTS!!

It was 3 seconds ago when Natalie was 37 that she STOOD by a chair

and she thought “I’ve sat on enough rocks! It’s time to STAND! Yes. Everything in the world is happy and good for a second.” THIS SECOND.

and we just missed it!


We love PORTMANIA! We put our hearts and souls into it. or bone marrow and gallbladders? one of those vital bodily systems we can’t live without!! and now it’s over for another year! but we can KEEP PORTMANIA with us, all through the year. by spreading PEACE AND LOVE. by Registering our feelings and using our Voice. Next time a guy cuts you off in traffic yell “HAPPY PORTMANIA A-HOLE!!” He’ll stop and think and maybe pay more attention to his driving! Change is coming friends. GENERATION PORTMANIA!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALIE, her mom, her son, johnny depp, AND EVERYONE WITH GALLBLADDERS. and the people that have had to remove their gallbladders: YOU STILL BELONG! sure, we’re not going to invite you to the gallbladder convention this year, but that’s understandable, right? you don’t have a gallbladder anymore, man!

That’s it for the week folks! hope you had a good time and hugged a few trees

Thanks to DAZZA for having me back, Thanks to you for reading, Thanks to Natalie for being born.

All we are saying is…



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What’s up PORTMANIANS! It’s Day 4 of our preposterous, absurd, bizarre, crazy, fanciful, fantastic (also fantastical), foolish, insane, nonsensical, unreal, wild Journey to Natalie’s Birthday.

It was 23 years ago when Natalie was 14 and she sat on a rock to forget about life for awhile.

Not much is happening this PORTMANIA but that’s okay, because PORTMANIA is about punching your mailman in the face!!!


and now it’s time to shine a spotlight on the most reliable go to every PORTMANIA…

Nat Dogs!

There have been three Nat Dogs that we know of




and there was also this Unnamed Dog


Tomorrow is of COURSE The DAY we’ve been waiting for and all this comes to an end! Natalie will be officially one year older than last year. But if you think about it that happens every day. I’m officially one year older than i was last year on this day. So we should celebrate every day as an anniversary of last year!!! I’m going to go eat some toast!



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PORTMANIA 20 Day 3 is here and fabulous is a word to describe it!

On this PORTMANIAN Day we’ll educate and celebrate!!

A lot of questions pouring in asking “What Is PORTMANIA?” That’s a hard question to answer. But we can tell you what PORTMANIA is NOT! And so DAZZA made a video to help explain our position to YOU…

NOW WE know

also questions pouring in about how to get Grass stains out of blue jeans. I don’t know. You need to google it.

It was 13 years ago when Natalie was 24 that she got a scooter and rode around town. She then turned it into a bag of some sort she could carry around. It was a marvel and everyone loved it. Then she grew out of her scooter phase and started drinking Snapple a lot.

Wait. now that i look at it, I don’t think that’s Natalie Portman. …Is it? um. was this Story UNTRUE!??!??

Moving on, let’s look at NATALIE ACTION FIGURES! It’s something to do at least…

WELL? Anything else to do on this PORTMANIA?! No.

TOMORROW will continue with PORTMANIA Day 4! will we survive til then?! Hopefully!!!


It’s a PORTMANIA thing

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Parents just don’t understand!

PORTMANIA Day 2 is HERE. We’ve now had 20 PORTMANIA Day 2s!

Today’s Day 2 is going to be about NEVER DOUBTING YOURSELF!

NEVER DOUBT! unless you doubt you could survive jumping in front of a train. you should probably doubt that. and other stuff too. Maybe Doubting is GOOD!

New Lesson of the day: DOUBT YOURSELF SOMETIMES. But Not Always! You’ll figure it out!

Now let’s go back to the PORTMANIA PAST!

It was 16 years ago when Natalie was 21 and she looked around at the world and decided “I want 26 hamsters RIGHT NOW!”

not sure what was going on in her life right then, but she knew what she wanted.

“But Natalie!” Her friends yelled, “You can’t possibly take care of 26 hamsters right now!”

Natalie thought about this and agreed. “Fine. Then I want to wear MITTENS on my FEET!”

and she did.

The point of the story is i have no point to the story. and mittens are not practical footwear. and that’s why someone made THESE:

Now THAT is a good PORTMANIA gift! This is the best DAY 2 EVER!

There’s other stories i could tell, too. Like 12 years ago when Natalie was 25 and she drank a glass of water!

That’s a good one. She drank the whole thing!

That’s it for DAY 2! TOMORROW will be, if numerology is at all to be trusted, DAY 3! DON’T BE LATE!



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It’s the second week of JUNE:

In case you don’t know, this is PORTMANIA.

It was 20 years ago that Natalie Portman was 17. She looked around at the world and said “This could be better. Why don’t we have a celebration of everything great in the world and it could be all about ME!!”

Lauren Holly loved the idea.

Luckily we had our Naked Spy there and we were able to steal it for ourselves. We would take a week in June to honor the actress we like. It would end every year on her birthday. and we called it PORTMANIA. It took us a few tries to get it right, this is the 20th time. We’ve really worked out the kinks. THIS TIME we got it right. THIS TIME no one needs to dress up as a cow, unless, of course, they want to. No one will be forced to do anything.

I’m sorry about that, DAZZA.

PORTMANIA 20 a 5 Day Celebration of Natalie starts now. Hopefully this is not confused with Chi-Chi’s Celebration of Food. We can almost guarantee that this week will not end with an outbreak of hepatitis A.

As everyone knows Natalie is Vegan. So to get things started on the first day here is an article about how to make Natalie’s favorite Vegan Foods! Now we can eat for a week without harming animals! THIS IS PORTMANIA!

Tomorrow PORTMANIA continues with DAY 2! DON’T MISS IT!

(Post Script to that earlier story: the NP.Com Naked Spy and Lauren Holly fell in love and married in 2003)



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day 4 of PORTMANIA is June 9th! the last Day of PORTMANIA 19 which is, of course, NATALIE’S BIRTHDAY!


Today she turns 36. this is a cause of celebration around the world!!!! And what better way to celebrate than with the final four categories of the Charlie Awards?

first up in Best Video is… Natalie playing Password with JJ Abrams and Neil Diamond! and one of the Higgins Boys.

The second and third category is the Best and Worst News of the Year! The Best News was Natalie being Pregnant with her Second Child!

The Worst News is Natalie not appearing in Thor: Ragnarok

and the last category was rating the year 2016 which you guys rated at a 4 out of 5! hooray!

alright! now what? now a Natalie Portman FACT!

Natalie FACT: (warning Natalie FACTS are coarse and rough and irritating and they get everywhere) Natalie once ate an entire bag of jellybeans just to prove a point! Not a soul knows what that point was. it might have had something to do with Jellybean Jones but, again,

no one knows for sure.

and so ends another PORTMANIA. every year is a good year when Natalie Portman is around but this year was the best year ever because there is now TWO NatKids!! i’m sure that will be reflected at the next Charlie Awards. Thanks to Dazza for keeping the site going all the time and thanks to YOU, the viewer for wanting to know more about Natalie. Next year will also be PORTMANIA #20! so start saving up now because it’s an anniversary year and i’m going to have lots of merchandise to sell. maybe i’ll jar some pickles! until then, my friends…


PORTMANIA is painless

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Let’s do the Charlie Awards first!

The first Category for today is Best Wallpaper and the winner is from Celina!

EXTRAORDINARY, Celina! you must be a professional! AND you can schedule for last December!

the next category is for the BEST DRAWING and it’s a big win for Andrew and his drawing…

EXCELLENT, Andrew! You must be an artist!

and that’s the only two for today! More Tomorrow of course!!!

now let’s talk about a common problem among people of the world currently…

So you really want to PORTMANIA but your dad says “No.” what should you do?


Step 1: show him Natalie Portman Movies. There’s like 30 of them. Start with The Professional. This will help him realize that she is the BEST ACTRESS EVER.

Step 2: Show him the various Natalie Portman interviews from the many years of her being a celebrity. This will help him realize that she is the BEST PERSON EVER!!

Step 3: Sing him a PORTMANIA song. you can do this by making one up or by singing one of the many official PORTMANIA songs. there are no official PORTMANIA SONGS.

Step 4: Put a cow in his bathroom. This will show him that all animals are equals and they have a right to be everywhere you as a human being are allowed.

Step 5: Show him NataliePortman.Com This will show him many people agree with your philosophies and he’s an idiot for not agreeing.

Step 6: Remove the cow from the bathroom. You’re dad is going to be really upset with this. and he has a right to be. i was way off on the “cows are human beings” thing.

Follow these simple steps and your Father will lose all respect for you! that’s what we were going for right?

now we can all get on with our days. let’s make this a good day by smiling and laughing at everyone you see! pointing is encouraged. Tomorrow will be the final FOUR categories of the Charlie Awards and NATALIE’S 36TH BIRTHDAY. let’s prepare for something amazing!!

PORTMANIA is the one that you want!!

PORTMANIA you got loose and I threw up

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DAY 2 of the 19th PORTMANIA is now and so….

let’s start with a plug for the Natalie Portman Wakelet! it’s a collection of all the videos of all the things Natalie Portman has done for a long time. I haven’t had a chance to update it for a little while but it’s pretty good. go ahead and look around there and SIGN UP! and if you see anything missing in there let me know. i’ll try to add it.

NOW let’s get on with the PORTMANIA!!!

you’ve been waiting patiently for the charlie awards and so here they ARE!

The first category in the Charlie AWARDS is Best Editorial Photo! and the winner is…

MOST DESERVING! The voting was pretty even in this category but this still won comfortably.

the next category is Best Public Appearance and this one had a much clearer winner.

and the Charlie Goes to…

The 73rd Venice Film Festival Planetarium premiere!

This almost had as many votes as the other 4 contenders combined!

Next up is the BEST Advertising Photo

a surprise to be sure. but a welcome one.

and the final category for the day is Most Anticipated Upcoming Natalie Movie!!!

and the winner is………..


whooooo! no surprise there!

oh wait… we got it wrong. whoops. one second… i’m so sorry about this… the actual winner is ANNIHILATION! by a landslide!

and that will be the end of PORTMANIA day 2! tomorrow more Charlies and less suckiness! i swear!


PORTMANIA is better than you!

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It’s PORTMANIA 19 in 2017 that takes over 4 days when Natalie turns 36!

it’s true natalie will be 36 on friday and so to celebrate we’ll do PORTMANIA!

I know that the page has some bugs so some people will just have a blank page. But that should be worked out soon so I’ll just assume you can see me!!

Last year I tried to convince everyone to elect Natalie President. That didn’t happen. so this year won’t be so elaborate. I’ll give you the results to the Charlie Awards!!

and that’s it? yeah. that’s kind of it. What? you’re not happy with that?! we’re all on a slow ride to hell anyway. what can you do?

sorry to get you down. It’s PORTMANIA. Which is a time to celebrate! we all have to give up meat for a week but i think we can still eat fish sticks, right? is that how it works? i hope so cause i’m eating fish sticks RIGHT NOW!!!

ok that’ll be it for today. TOMORROW the first results to the Charlie Awards and MORE SURPRISES. (surprises usually turn out to be me forgetting my pants.)

PORTMANIA is here to STAY!!

Adios Portmania

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Thanks to Sanjiro for Portmania 18 and here’s to Natalie hopefully enjoying a great 35th birthday. It was a bit too late for the final day but regular contributor, Celina sent in a special Portmania message from her extended trip down under.


PORTMANIA Birthday Party Extravaganza Forever!!

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DAY 5 of PORTMANIA is here!! and It’s Natalie’s Birthday! 6981.

Happy Birthday Natalie Portman!!

Portmania (2)th

ANA! came back to save the world with the above picture. she didn’t have to do it alone.

Because RACHEL returns as well!


and together we have solved all the worlds problems and never again have to worry about anything except for long lines in public bathrooms at sporting events.

TODAY. is the never-ending party that ends in about 7 minutes and 27 seconds. we will take tests on our Natalie knowledge. find out Facts that we don’t know and Recycling!!
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Welcome, Portmaniacs!! DAY 4 of PORTMANIA is now. and it’s wonderful!

I have articles and lists and INTERVIEWS with husbands!

BUT FIRST. we’ll start with a PORTMANIAN wallpaper by Rachel the Gorgeous.


but she didn’t stop there, cause she never does, Rachel is the baddest badass that there ever was.

so here’s NUMBER 2.


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something, something, PORTMANIA

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it’s Day 3 of PORTMANIA! and today we’ll talk about ninja turtles and WOMAN POWER!

BUT FIRST! the wonderful Ana comes in with a sensational PORTMANIA wallpaper about GETTING GUNS.


Thank you ANA! it wouldn’t be PORTMANIA without you.

now on to ninja turtles, female empowerment symbols, Iranian Natalie Portmans and MORE!!!

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DAY 2 of PORTMANIA 18 is ready to go. and i’m sure most of you don’t care either way!

so let’s start it all off with this wonderful PORTMANIA magazine cover for June 2016!




that looks like the woman who’s ready to become the 45th president of the United States of America to me. Read More


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PART 18.

PORTMANIA starts today!! but don’t worry! It’s only five days!! we can get through this together!

This year in PORTMANIA Natalie Portman turns 35. As mentioned last year, this makes her qualified to run for president of the United States. and since PORTMANIA is 18 it can actually vote for her!

And So NataliePortman.com proudly presents:



I thought last year maybe we should wait until the 2020 election, but I don’t think we can wait. There might not be an Earth left in 2020.

we’ll discuss more inside. AFTER The JUMP.
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Portmania – After Dark

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Portmania turns 18 this year, which means sex, drugs and voting for anyone other than Donald Trump. In other news, Natalie will be turning 35, which still blows my mind until I remember I’m 36. Where does the time go? Maybe Sanjiro can answer that when he returns on Sunday for day 1 of Portmania 18.

If you have any fanart or anything else you want to share for Natalie birthday or Portmania, be sure to send it in.

If not, that’s okay too, Sanji’s personal collection of Alf photos should be enough to get us through another Portmania.

Mathilda Drawing

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A big thanks to Sanji for bringing the Portmania fire once again. I have to take a lot of the blame for the lack of fanart. It has been a really hectic few weeks and I just wasn’t able to shake the tree to see what falls out like I usually do. With that said, I am now accepting fanart for next year’s Portmania!

Speaking of fanart, Ange sent this in for Natalie’s birthday but I saw it a bit late. It’s a really cool image and deserves some love.